Relationally that is. I suppose first you need to know what kind of attachment style you have. Let’s consider three I’ve learned about: Secure. Anxious. Avoidant. Once I learned about these, my whole world opened up to understanding my needs/my style, what I’m looking for and how to spot it. I’ve also learned how to change from a less desirable style to a more optimal, more beneficial, style. Self-awareness, who am I, what’s my self-value…all play into the type of attachment style we have.
Knowing these different attachment styles exist, allows me to not be confused or wonder how someone “could be like that” or “treat me that way” – it’s a most freeing concept actually. They are who they are….we are who we are…and even if we start out in a less desirable attachment style, we can become more secure over time! I can now see people much more objectively whereas before I took things personally – can you guess my attachment style? As an anxious personality, I drew in other anxious but mostly avoidants. Why anxious? Why avoidants? Now’s not the time to detangle all of that!
Sometimes we might actually have self-fulfilling prophecies through our negative self-talk! I’m not worthy. They will leave me. I will be abandoned. So, I won’t share with them and push them away so I won’t get hurt. They leave. I’m alone. Avoidant. I might even be brutal, mean, aggressive, abusive verbally, physically, emotionally, financially, spiritually. Maybe I leave first. Avoidant.
Have you ever had someone in your life where you give and give and give and you get zero in return? Avoidant.
Have you ever had someone in your life where you didn’t consider their needs, didn’t call them knowing they would appreciate it (therefore relaxing if you had), and they got all needy, even angry and poured out venom as soon as you got back with them? Anxious.
Have you ever been around someone where you could be totally yourself, and even if you messed up, they were still there for you, talked it over with you calmly, allowing you to become more stable? Secure.
Do you have a wish list of your dream relationship? If so, here are some things to consider:
You have one of those attachment styles and knowing that nobody is perfect is a great place to start. But there is someone who would be perfect for you. There is no such thing as “the one” – but there are many “ones” who would be perfect if you allow them their humanness, their faults, and open your heart to them. If you’ve dated for years, looking for the “one” and in a repeat pattern, found the “one” then realized their faults and discarded them…you may have an avoidant attachment style. If so, have you ever considered not dating? I mean, if you really, truly want a warm, trusting, magnanimous relationship with someone, you might want to consider talking with a professional counselor to work through what’s hindering you before you date anyone else.
If you are constantly second-guessing yourself or your partner (did I just say/do something wrong – why did they just say/do that) do you believe that fair to your partner if you don’t ask for confirmation? They can’t read your mind. If you don’t open up (calmly and with consideration), they probably assume everything is great. As much as we’d like people to just naturally know what our needs/wants are, they can’t ever know unless we figure them out first and then express ourselves. (Key point: we have to know first!) That person might even be just like you! Afraid to open up for the response they might get. Someone needs to make the first trust move. How about you?
If you’re dating, it’s a good time to reflect on your attachment style and needs and learn how to find a secure person to be in a relationship with. If you don’t know your needs, maybe first figure out what you don’t want and then flip those thoughts around to the positive. For example: I don’t want to be ignored. I do want to be heard. I don’t want to be abused. I do want a safe haven. As you get more comfortable in your own skin, these positive traits will become your mantra, and you will know if these needs are being met by your date. If they aren’t, it’s your choice to now make an informed decision. What are your options?
I recommend Attached for a more in-depth look at these attachment styles.
Hi! I’m MJ! And I’m a survivor of Domestic Violence. This blog, yes, is for other survivors of Domestic Abuse. However, sometimes I like to write about other learning curve events or thoughts in my life.
Through VictoryLife House, survivors can find information to help them through the trauma they’ve experienced. Through this blog, I hope you also enjoy these random types of musings.
Life without abuse IS an option. Choose life!
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