S P E A K: Will the real compassionate you please step forward.

I remember my older sister saying that mom had lost her voice. That she had become powerless in her relationship with dad. Admittedly, mom was forever “fine” when coaxed with, “How are you?” A small shrug and “fine.” Her personal mantra. I knew what my sister was saying from an analytical perspective but not from a heart perspective. I would not understand that for another 40 years.

At the time though, hearing that brought anger against my dad. Resentment that he would be the cause of my mom’s silence. Her inability to speak her truth. To share relevant thoughts and emotions. To expose her underbelly. To show me how. To teach me empathy and compassion. I was taught it was safer to withdraw. Be congenial. Agree with everyone and definitely not express an opinion that might reveal my inner true self, but I could never put words to any of that until now.

My mom died in my early 40’s. She was in her early 90’s. Cracks revealed, I didn’t start dismantling and becoming cubism in the flesh until my 50’s. Way past time to talk to her about her life. Her childhood. Her fears. Heartaches. Loves. Dreams. I never knew her. I was too busy being self-absorbed, critical, angry, resentful – broken from unresolved traumas of my own life – things experienced outside of my control, the coping skills erected at those time, and choices I made as a result of not knowing my own voice. My own heart. I didn’t know how to reveal my inner true self. I didn’t know old coping skills were no longer beneficial to my current survival, and that in fact were keeping me trapped.

I want to now write one word as a mural on my living room wall. S P E A K.

It’s not the sweet sentiments of Love, Joy, Peace one might think of to inspire oneself – yet…if we have love, joy, peace…our words will express that. 

From suppression, to self-medicating and lying to myself that everything is FINE to sharing my darkness – my traumas – my wounds – anger and resentments with anyone and everyone, I tried it all except examining my traumas. I was very good at avoidance. Church members couldn’t help me. Family members couldn’t help me. Friends – or the people I experienced trauma from – they couldn’t help me either. They were not qualified to help me because they didn’t realize I was speaking from a place of pain. I didn’t even realize it! Yes, there it is. Every time I spoke and speak from a place of darkness, that is my underbelly of pain.

Compassion comes from our inner selves. My-self. If I am speaking darkness to everyone around me, then I am speaking darkness to myself first. If not with words, then thoughts. That darkness is relevant. Present. But is it truth?

As I began my healing journey, my goal was to become a more compassionate person. I had no idea what that even looked like, but I thought it possible to at least go for. I had a knowledge of God’s unconditional love, had felt it, and lived with it as just part of my DNA, and my spirit woman was at peace. But my unresolved traumas kept my soulish realm trapped in the darkness, not allowing my heart to express itself in light. I couldn’t speak my truth. I had become – voiceless.

My negative memories so tightly attached to emotions, that I could associate with all of the darkness faster than I could the light of my spirit. I dumped on people the darkness. I couldn’t not. I was a victim and probably as a way of wanting help, I spoke the negative – and pushed people away. Those with insight, stayed. Those who just wanted me to be happy stayed with no judgement. No condemnation. Just unconditional love. And I didn’t understand how to not hurt them. They stayed anyway.

I didn’t know how to not hurt myself.

But I began releasing my inner traumas from childhood forward, one by one, through guided meditation where God was my source again. Where my traumas were validated, and I had nothing to do but release them to Him and replace the dark with His light. His love. His joy. His peace.

And I began to speak my inner truths of the light in my heart.

When I messed up and said a negative loop thought, I started to recognize it as just that. I told those who loved me to say the secret code word if I did that around them. I no longer wanted or needed to hang on to the darkness. I truly wanted my healing, so as soon as I could after speaking an ugly old thought loop, I went to that place of release and replace. What if my healing might actually be contagious and begin the healing process of those I’ve loved…and hurt, too? I think those would be called miracles!

I began speaking my truth, my need to protect myself and convictions, my heart, became more important than ever. I was using my voice! And boy was it a clunky start, lol. I cried every time. It was scary to show my underbelly. But…I didn’t die! I was no longer being the victim that I didn’t even know I had been. A victimhood perpetuated by the dark. The blaming. The anger. The resentment. The unmet expectations that set people up to fail. I was healing from the inside out, one released trauma at a time.

If someone said something that didn’t settle well, I said something, and we talked. Albeit in the beginning, I often waited too long, but eventually I would catch it quicker and express myself sooner. If I felt bad about something I had done or said in the past, I apologized. If I was obsessing over something I had just said, but didn’t know how they had taken it, I asked about it. I was learning how to communicate in a healthy way. It took a while, but my perspective had finally shifted!

What’s amazing to me is that I have had so many minutes on this earth, and so many experiences, and the negative ones have been allowed to reign for so long that the good ones seem nonexistent. I know they are there though because they are starting to come back. What a gift.

I changed my mind on what kind of person I wanted to represent me, and my life is changing. If I can do that, I believe anybody can.

So, I ask you…any rage, anger, resentment, sadness, depression, brokenness, anxiety, fear, cynicism, torment that you might feel and then express to the world, to those you love, to those who love you…is that who you really want to represent you as your true inner self? All that muck? That darkness?

Have you ever just stopped and got quiet and asked yourself not why you are the way you are…not why you have an addiction…not blaming yourself or others about anything…but…said, “Why the pain?” “Where is my pain coming from that I am covering up with darkness?” And with objectivity and an open mind, “What happened to me?” “When that thing happened, what lie did I tell myself and carry forward up until right now?”

Imagine that. Some unmet need wasn’t realized and you took that to mean you were unworthy. Unlovable. Not able to trust a certain element of society. Powerless. Defeated. Fill in the blank. My mom said one time to dad that I had no choice about a situation. I walked away feeling diminished. Powerless. Voiceless. Now imagine that something happened to you in your childhood, and you came up with those false realities and instead of replacing those negative thoughts, you just carried them with you like a security blanket into adulthood. My thinking is this…if we were able to come up with coping skills as children, do we not have the power as adults to change those and learn compassion? Self-regulation? Become self-aware? Take the sword of truth and defeat the darkness? Do we not have any responsibility to ourselves and loved ones to change? To seek truth? To find out who we really are?

When we release the traumas / wounds (and that’s not done at the head level), that’s when we open the cracks for light. For love. For peace. For joy. There’s just not enough space for all the trauma and the light. Dump the trauma. It’s not helping you any way. And allow the light to shine in and take up residence where once the dark lived, for what fellowship can light have with darkness?

It’s good to know the why of the pain. It’s a whole other thing to acknowledge it and know the how to let it go and heal the wounds. And then, and only then, can we begin to speak our true inner self and share that light with others. Life without (self) abuse is an option. Choose life!

If you’d like some help reconnecting with your source for peace, love and joy, or help reconnecting to your true inner self, or help learning how to release the uglies and replace them with the beauties, I recommend checking out this organization: Narcissistic Abuse Recovery & Self-Empowerment : Melanie Tonia Evans. You don’t have to believe in God for her methods to help heal you, but if you do believe in God, this will open up the space inside your soul and remove the weights so you can draw closer to him effortlessly. I also appreciate the efforts of Gabor Mate whose ability to share his knowledge of the subconscious in ordinary language has helped me tremendously.

Hi! I’m MJ! And I’m a survivor of Domestic Violence. This blog, yes, is for other survivors of Domestic Abuse. However, sometimes I like to write about other learning curve events or thoughts in my life.

Through VictoryLife House, survivors can find information to help them through the trauma they’ve experienced. Through this blog, I hope you also enjoy these random types of musings.

Life without abuse IS an option. Choose life!


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Published by victorylifehouse

Overcomer - Peace Advocate - Child of God

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