Let me start by saying it so validating to honor myself NOW for what I did in the past to protect myself. Even though I was honoring myself then, the immediate backlash of abandonment catapulted me into victimhood. That, because of my actions, it was my fault they left. The truth is, because of my actions (expressing my truth) they did leave! But them leaving had nothing to do with me and everything to do with them.
It took years to get to a point of being able to assert myself with these people, and I will explain everything in a minute, but when you get to a point of saying no more – to push past the fears of all of the “what if’s” – just know there will be a ripple effect – or tidal wave – and if you can get past the fear of those potential reactions – which you know will be reality – the breath comes back and you can say, “I honored myself, and I’m okay.” And that’s a great place to get to!
Back in 2008, I came to know God – my source. One friend (early on in our relationship) laughed and mocked me when I told him that, for which he, within
minutes, apologized. He still doesn’t believe. I still do. We are still friends. We can talk about our differences. Share ideologies. Get passionate in the discussions and still be enjoying a cup of coffee or a delicious meal and fun night out. We are okay with each other’s differences. Our spiritual beliefs are our own and we are both comfortable with those beliefs, and we get validation from each other that the other is okay within their own beliefs.
Now, the flip side of that type of relationship is the one where the other person is a religious person (in my case some Catholic, some Baptist, and some non- denominational “Christian”) who cannot, under any circumstances, bring themselves to even think about my belief…or my relationship with God…as being valid, because they see me as not being good enough (ie: You don’t go to Bible studies?) or just being flat out wrong because I don’t believe what they believe. They were family members. They were also men who fit the portrayal of sheep in wolves clothing.
I have been on a quest this year to change my negative, false thought loops acquired in childhood, and the solid positive revelations I’ve been receiving through visualization, reading, and keeping my mind open to receiving revelation knowledge have been life changing, and that is what I am about to share.
So, the question is…what happened that those people left me? Abandoned me. What happened that those people were there to begin with might be a better place to start!
When we have low self-esteem from lack of validation (approval) from our parents and we get the same feedback from family, as children we eventually come to believe the lies. Not that they knew they were lying! They were living through their own filters and probably projecting onto us. However, the damage done is that we are left with a false sense of self. Two untruths of mine were being unworthy of love and being a burden. Parents, through their verbal and nonverbal cues, will create and solidify self-talk. We believe others who tell us who we are rather than honoring our true self which has a direct lineage to our true source (but we are too young to know this). And because they get their hooks in very early on (and we so want to be validated as children) we adopt their perspective, their truth, as our own and suppress our needs.
When I look back at those who left me (and, at the time, I totally felt the victim and abandoned) the resemblance is uncanny from one person to the next. They all seemed to have very little trouble checking out. Leaving. Over supposed religious differences! These people who all said, “I love you.” It is laughable now that I see the light, and the truth will set you free, amen!
Their true self was never really there, but they sensed I would acquiesce and be malleable for their ego to justify its existence, so they stuck around while I gravitated to the abuse of their doctrine being thrown at me for multiple reasons.
I was needy. I did feel unworthy of kindness and approval although deeply craving it. Maybe they will love me if… – I also believed they knew more than I did about the subject. I didn’t trust myself. I didn’t trust my source. I also knew from childhood experiences, if I assert myself, they will either get angry with me, ignore me, leave me, or all of the above. The fear of abandonment always won out, and I took the Bible beatings, even when I didn’t agree. Go along to get along. (Amazingly enough, we have the power to say, “I’m done. I quit. I don’t want to do THIS anymore.” – The VictoryLife House Blog).
One example I will share is that one day, years ago, I disagreed on a biblical matter that refuted my sister’s Catholic doctrine. I knew before saying anything that one of two things would happen (which actually stressed me out terribly because I pretty much knew how it would play out): A) she would get angry, hang up on me and never talk to me again or B) listen with an open mind and try to understand what I was saying. I spoke.
She got angry, told me I was too dogmatic, and that she couldn’t afford to have me in her life. Then she hung up. Proof once again that abandonment is the result of being true to self.
What does one do with that kind of reaction? I had honored my “self.” I had been assertive but not mean. I had been honest and shared my truth, yet my sister – my SISTER – abandoned me over what I thought was religion. Hello victim. Yet, to be honest, there was also a sense of relief because not saying my truth suggested agreement to hers. I couldn’t do that any longer.
Today I understand I hadn’t been a victim of my assertiveness – it was simply that her ego was no longer being fueled. I had ceased to be a source for her to suck dry. I had stopped agreeing with her in all matters. I had a voice of my own! I didn’t understand that and continued being a victim in my mind of religious/legalistic/works-oriented people who said they loved me and then left me. It wasn’t until I examined at what point they left, that I started putting the puzzle together.
I also had to come to understand where my responsibility wove in and out of these relationships. I analyzed self-talk. I looked for my own potential narcissistic traits. Was there any co-dependency? I opened up to the possibility that I attracted these suckers because of my own unresolved traumas. I had to face my wounds and then embrace those people (metaphorically) who hurt me, intentionally or not, because those experiences allowed me to see where I needed healing.
As we heal, we get stronger. We figure out where to put boundaries and how and why (because getting sucker punched doesn’t feel good!). There’s no blame. Just an understanding that we are all on a path of wanting to be compassionate – or not.
So, how do you stop narcissists or people with narcissistic tendencies from sucking the life out of you? You stop supplying their ego with fuel. Your life energy. You either assert yourself to them and they leave, or you put a stop-hold on the toxic relationship to begin a healing journey of amazing, sparkling tenderness toward self, to later see if you can resume a healthier relationship with them with boundaries. Your new self will know if they have transformed during the same time…or…not.
Remember my friend at the beginning? Yes, we have our differences. Yes, we challenge each other in those differences. We might even shift our perspective through those discussions, but we better understand where the other is coming from. Our own beliefs may even solidify through those discussions, but we never judge each other and that’s the difference. Consideration for the other. Compassion.
Those are the types of people we need to have in our lives. Their consideration toward us is screaming proof we have value, are worthy, and can be passionate with zero hurtful fallout. Grow these relationships. Spend good energy with these people. They probably love you unconditionally. And find others who will do the same. Today is a beautiful day to do the hard things!
There is no time like the present to know in your knower that life without (self) abuse and abuse from others is an option.
Hi! I’m MJ! And I’m a survivor of Domestic Violence. This blog, yes, is for other survivors of Domestic Abuse. However, sometimes I like to write about other learning curve events or thoughts in my life.
Through VictoryLife House, survivors can find information to help them through the trauma they’ve experienced. Through this blog, I hope you also enjoy these random types of musings.
Life without abuse IS an option. Choose life!
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