Devious and twisted. Manipulative and controlling. Subversive and deadly. Expectations of another without the other person knowing of those expectations. Of no one in particular, yet you might know someone with these traits, or worse, portray these traits yourself. Even if your only expectation is that someone just accept you for who you are – that’s still an expectation – and quite possibly one that can’t ever be met! You can hope that they accept you…but…don’t expect them to.
They say, why can’t you change? Why can’t you be better? Why do you have to be like…that? Why do you have to be…you? Am I the problem or did they put silent expectations on me, and I failed perfectly…again.
Isn’t that interesting? What if unconditional love could be applied to these situations…to the hearts of the people asking the “Why can’t you a better person?” question? If we understood on a personal level what unconditional love is, would it be easier to love others?
To work within the parameters of unconditional love, Jesus had a great idea. He said, knowing he would be strung up for saying it and other words of wisdom given to him by God, I leave you with two commandments (to wipe away any and all other commandments that had been previously erected in order to explain how to treat others) – Love God and love everyone else. Not really an idea or suggestion. A commandment. From our creator.
Just love them. Imagine if everyone actually subscribed to this raw and simplistic ideal. What would the world be like? What would our relationships be like? Is there room for a “what’s in it for me?” thought? Would there be anger? Fear? War? Greed? Anxiety? Murder? Fraud? Abuse?
But how many people understand unconditional love? How is it even possible! It’s too passive one might think. Makes me a sap. A doormat. But he/she/it did xyz to me… But in my utopian mind…remember…everyone treats everyone with consideration – with an unconditional love that flows from the heart – not out of secular books or even the Old Testament that gives us steps on how to love someone – we just…do. Like God said through Jesus. Just do it. You don’t need anything more than a love relationship with God and from there you can love everyone else…unconditionally. He loved us first – so we can now love others. Pass it forward! It’s a thing. It’s a real thing and since God said to do it, then it’s possible for us to do it. Our creator created us to be able to learn how to love unconditionally. It’s our choice to seek out how – and it will only be found through a true relationship with him!
God is love. His love is unconditional. No more rules! No more commandments! No more religion! You can’t do anything more to please him – you can’t do anything less to displease him – he loves you with all restrictions removed. Can we say the same for how we “love” others?
If you have a relationship with love – love will teach you how to love others.
And then there’s the reality of it all. People we love may actually hurt us. Twist our words or say or do something that stabs our hearts. How can they not know they’ve crippled us? How could they say or do that? Do I just hold my head up and pretend it didn’t hurt? Take the various punches? Keep loving them through their hurt towards me? Allow them to keep it up forever because I’m afraid of losing them? Never say anything? Never be…honest?
Fear stops growth. Fear is not a boundary maker. Fear has no place in a loving relationship.
What if, instead of being an externally happy-go-lucky punching bag, we take a stand on how someone treats us? Give ourselves permission to establish boundaries? And then (lovingly) follow through. Let them know you are seeking a new perspective on love. You are not stopping your love toward them (when it’s unconditional…you can’t anyway). You are merely including yourself with self-love. Finding strength to be able to withstand the wiles of misplaced expectations by actually putting on the full armor of God. As a vessel and spokesperson for the love of God, we have the right…the obligation…to nurture and take care of ourselves against the lies of the spiritual enemy. We are no good to others if we do not. We may actually be part of the problem as well, so what a great time to find out and grow in love.
You might take a physical break away from the loved one you have a schism with to find your balance, to establish and know the love of God in your heart once again or even for the first time. Let them know your needs. If they can’t accept your honesty and respect your need for growth, is this a relationship you want to spend more energy on? If you stay, maybe you are going to give the relationship over to God so he can work on your heart. Maybe you want additional therapy. Maybe you need this time to do some serious self-analysis. Maybe all of the above and more! The amount of time it will take will vary for everyone. You are not abandoning anyone. If your goal is to have a better relationship with your loved one, you are not saying you need a break forever. You just need time to recalibrate what is acceptable and what is not so you can move forward with well-established boundaries with them.
What the one you have a schism with does with your new idea is up to them. You cannot will them to have the response you want. If they can’t come back and meet you in a place of love and consideration (your hope [positive possibilities] – not expectation [setting someone up to fail]), and you will know if they have had a change of heart, you will need to make further decisions at that time. But, until then, open your heart to the spirit to guide you and comfort you as is his purpose and pray (in hope) that your loved one does as well. Schisms can be overcome in loving relationships.
Hi! I’m MJ! And I’m a survivor of Domestic Violence. This blog, yes, is for other survivors of Domestic Abuse. However, sometimes I like to write about other learning curve events or thoughts in my life.
Through VictoryLife House, survivors can find information to help them through the trauma they’ve experienced. Through this blog, I hope you also enjoy these random types of musings.
Life without abuse IS an option. Choose life!
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