Imagine learning how to walk again with the help of a walker and your stepdaughter shows the enormous colorful bruise on your thigh (from a fall which ultimately broke your pelvic bone) to the man you married, and he mocks, “She just bruises easily.” and looks away.
What happens to a woman who hears this comment that sears her heart and soul as quickly as the words are produced? The hopeful look in her eyes that he would respond with kindness – dies. The strength in her arms – dies. Her hope…dies. And she struggles past him.
Over five years of a loveless marriage and now broken emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically…and he says this? Yes.
How does one gain strength on any level after abuse?
For me, this period of time of relearning how to walk, how to balance, how to keep trusting God, how to sit, how to dance again…gave me a lot of soul-searching opportunities. And I took them. I took every waking moment from that mid-July through the beginning of October to think and to physically heal to get to a point…of leaving him. Through absolute fear, trembling and numbness I did leave. When I finally made the decision to leave, it took many weeks of planning. It took design. It took courage. A lot of courage. More courage to leave than to stay actually.
I really wish someone had recommended counseling right away. Anyone who met me after I left could tell I was a mess. I was neurotic. I couldn’t carry on a conversation without crying and trembling and wiping my nose of a continual stream of snot. I became catatonic at times, drifting into memories – reliving them as if still there to only come back to the now and wonder if anyone had noticed my absence. I no longer knew how to drive which was okay as by then I was afraid of driving. I was afraid of walking up stairs. Down stairs. Talking to people. Leaving my room. Leaving the house. Getting into a car. Getting out of a car. I didn’t want to get dressed. I didn’t want to go anywhere. I didn’t want to think. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I wanted to talk to everyone…but couldn’t.
From my perspective, and I have no clinical proof of this, but even with help, I believe it takes about the same amount of time you’ve lived with abuse to heal. And what is healing? Probably best saved for another post 😉.
The struggle is real. The pain of a lost relationship that could have been great is real. Abuse is also real whether anyone wants to talk about it, admit it, relive it, share it, or even try to heal from it. This last part…the healing part…that’s the hardest part. It is also the longest in manifestation. I experienced many amazing and great moments of achievement during the healing process and then my own thoughts – his words – his actions – his silence – his inaction come flooding back from the dark abyss I wrongfully assumed had forever eviscerated. Yes. The struggle is definitely…real.
Hi! I’m MJ! And I’m a survivor of Domestic Violence. This blog, yes, is for other survivors of Domestic Abuse. However, sometimes I like to write about other learning curve events or thoughts in my life.
Through VictoryLife House, survivors can find information to help them through the trauma they’ve experienced. Through this blog, I hope you also enjoy other random types of musings.
Life without abuse IS an option. Choose life!
Make a one-time donation
Make a monthly donation
Make a yearly donation
Choose an amount
Or enter a custom amount
Your contribution is appreciated.
Your contribution is appreciated.
Your contribution is appreciated.DonateDonate monthlyDonate yearly